"Where the fuck have you been?" Ira shouts as he kicks open your bedroom door.
It's obvious where you've been, you're still there. You're in a king-sized, heart-shaped bear-master bed and looking on either side of you, you can see two hookers, one looks a little dead, but you can't remember how they got there.
"Is that hooker dead?" Ira asks.
"Maybe. Well you know what they say: you grab a bear by the dick...uh... you're
gonna get some bear dick?"
"Who says that? Doesn't even matter. Ray, get out of bed, meet Matt Stevens, your
motivational counselor. He'll get you out of this rut you're in and maybe I won't have to sell you to the circus."
"I'm just a little sad," you reflect as you look at your bloody paw. "Yup, hooker's
dead alright."
"So this is Ray, huh?" Matt steps forward and eyes you up. "So, you're supposed to
be a bear, huh?"
You look at this tiny, loud man with a curious confusion.
"I am a bear." The little man rises and slaps the bear right out of your gums.
"Thank you," you mutter, no less confused.
"A bear? A bear? Look at you! Who ever heard of a bear that goes around
snorting cocaine, drinking his life away and killing hookers in his bedroom?"
"Well, I think just the one hooker is dead, the other one is just slee-"
SLAP!
"She's not Ok! She's a hooker! But at least she knows she is!"
"I'm sorry"
SLAP!
"Don't be sorry! Be a goddamn bear!"
With a blood-curdling roar you slap Matt back and yes! You are bear so the blow
sends him flying halfway through your bedroom wall.
"Damn...I'm good," Matt manages to say before losing consciousness.
"Say hi to the hooker for me," you say as you pass a smiling Ira all badass-like.
"This is Eduardo," Ira introduces you to a small, little, ambiguous creature as you
both enter the studio. "He's your new co-host. Recent polls show that exotic animals are all the rage this season."
"Uh..." You try to focus on the exotic animal before you. "What is that? A rat?"
"I am a Koala Bear, senior."
"I know a bear when I see one, Ira."
"Ok, Ok," Ira admits. "The network couldn't afford a REAL Koala, but Eduardo here
is a true professional... just not a legal one."
"Si," Eduardo agrees. "I can also do the kangaroo, the spider-monkey and the
chupacabra."
"Hey!" You realize with great enthusiasm. "I remember you! You're the Taco Bell
dog! I thought you were dead."
"I am dead, senior, if la migra asks."
"Can you say it?"
"What's that senior?"
"You know... do you want anything? Maybe something outside the bun?"
"I don't do that anymore, it's a part of my life I'd like to forget."
"Geez," Ira interrupts. Will these talking animals ever shut up? We've got a show
to do here people!"
Ratings sky-rocket, of course, because thus the Jews willed, and you and Eduardo
take the world by storm. You are in the hearts of children again and can once again feel normal, well... as normal as a talking bear can feel. Quitting cocaine, drinking, and killing hookers in a semi-conscious-rage-lust-mate-rape naturally follow. You settle down with a sensible, beautiful, female North American Grizzly and although your parents disapprove(they're still stuck in their 1980's pure Black Bear pride after all) the fact that Lizzy doesn't talk is almost as appealing as the way her buttocks shift as she runs down random pedestrians to maul.
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment